


Please Don't Hate Me

by Weevilo707



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pining, Quadrant Confusion, Retcon Timeline, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:44:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7196123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weevilo707/pseuds/Weevilo707
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don't know what you thought you were doing here or how in all of paradox space this was ever going to work. All you managed to do was completely fuck up your one chance at something great. </p><p>He's going to fucking hate you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You don’t know what’s been going on between the two of you. You think something is forming there, but you don’t know what to do about it or what to call it or anything like that. It doesn’t seem to matter much anyway, because Dave has made it abundantly clear on multiple occasions that he is not interested.

Only he really hasn’t. He says all these things and keeps going on and on about how things work with humans and yet then he acts in complete contradiction to all of that. Or, well, that’s how you see it.

And you've been proven to be a complete projecting piece of shit to everyone so maybe you’re completely wrong. You’re probably completely wrong and he does just see you as a friend because who the fuck would ever be interested in you in any quadrant? Fucking no one, that’s who.

So, if you happen to be a bit pale for him, you can just keep that to yourself. Dave doesn’t need or want to deal with your bullshit in any way besides being friendly and platonic. And that’s fine. You’re just happy he wants that much, because everyone else is too busy to deal with you and happy doing their own things.

And you’re just. Really glad Dave puts up with you. You’re not going to risk all of that in the pathetic hope that you might be able to fill a quadrant with someone who told you a million times already that they aren’t interested.

It kind of fucking sucks, but it’s still better than anything you could hope for.

You’re watching a movie now, because that’s all you ever fucking do on this rock. That and mess around in can town and let Dave try to teach you how to ‘mix’ and just be lazy sacks of shit all day.

You guess watching is not completely true though, because you’re not exactly paying much attention to the movie. Not that you need to, you’ve got the entire thing fucking memorized at this point, it hardly matters.

You’re just a little distracted because Dave has fallen asleep on you and it’s fucking adorable.

You aren’t sure what to do about it though, because something like this has never happened before. Dave is usually pretty fucking guarded about shit. He doesn’t like relaxing like this while other people are around. He’s told you that himself, during one of your not-feeling-jams.

So for some reason now he’s all sprawled out on your lap and he’s definitely asleep. You thought he might have been fucking with you at first, but nope, you lightly put a hand on his shoulder and he didn’t do a god damn thing. If he was awake there was no way that wouldn’t get by him without an asinine comment about this being ‘so gay’ or whatever the fuck he wants to call it.

You don’t mind the comments (you do, you do so fucking much) because you know that’s just how he is. You’d say that’s how humans are, but Rose doesn’t seem to have the same problem when it comes to gender.

Dave tried to explain it, all these ‘sexuality’ and ‘orientations’ and shit. You don’t get it, but you guess that’s how he feels when you go on about quadrants. You do understand that when it comes right down to it, Dave is not interested in you. Not because of anything about you or your personality or whatever, but because you’re both guys and that is a huge fucking no for him.

It fucking bothers you, because it’s just so stupid. If he didn’t like you because you’re a goddamn despicable person you could understand that, but that’s not it. He does like you, in a way. Or at least he’s kind of joked about it. That if you were a girl he would have tried to make out with you by this point.

And that just screws with you in a whole different way, because yeah, humans only do red. And red doesn’t sound that bad, you would really fucking like a red relationship with him.

But you’re still pale as fuck for him and it’s just something you don’t want to think about.

You should take your hand off of him, but you can’t help it because it feels so right. You’re fucking scum, and Dave should get as far away from you as he possibly can. He doesn’t understand how fucked up it is though because he’s a human, and all this shit is just ‘regular bro shit’ to him.

So you’re the one left to be drawing the boundaries, and as stated before, you’re scum, so there are no boundaries. You’re practically moirails in everything but name and the fact that you couldn’t help but smile when you rested your hand on Dave’s shoulder is just proof that you are the biggest fucking shit stain in all of paradox space.

“Dude, what’s with the frown? Finally coming to the realization that Dane Cook is shit and that your entire life up to this point is a lie?”

You nearly jump when Dave speaks, knocking you out of your thought and you hadn’t even noticed him waking up. You aren’t even sure if the movie is still playing, but looking up, yep it still is.

It takes a moment, but you manage to process what he said and your frown deepens even further.

“No, I have not yet come to that realization, and I doubt I ever will, because it’s fucking false as shit,” you tell him. He’s still lying in your lap, shifted so that he can look up at you and doesn’t seem interested in moving at all. It’s pretty fucking incredible and you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this casualness and comfort because you always just run with it and twist it into something it’s not.

“Dude, I am speaking straight up truth here, whether or not you’re ready to accept it,” Dave says, and you just roll your eyes at him. “Seriously though man, what’s up? You look like someone just ran over your most beloved pet. Imagine that you have a most beloved pet to get run over, that’s what you look like right now,” he rambles.

“Nothing is ‘up’ okay? Maybe I’m just tired and don’t have someone’s fucking leg to use as a pillow like some people do,” you snap at him. He doesn’t seem bothered by that though, which is another thing about him. Other people would get rightful fed up with all your bitching and moaning. Or in the best case scenario for your fucked up self, flip black, but Dave just takes it and doesn’t seem to mind at all. He’ll tease and complain back at times, but it’s different.

And sometimes it does seem pitch, but that’s another thing you try your best to ignore.

“Aw bro, you can sleep on me anytime,” he jokes. You know it’s a joke, because it’s always a joke. He seems to realize just what he said and how it could be taken after a moment, because his face gets red and the easy smile on his face disappears.

“I mean like, not like that, not the way it sounded because wow that came out wrong. Just you know, like this, our platonic awesome bro cuddles and shit,” he clarifies, as if you didn’t know what he meant. You’ve told yourself to stop looking for hopes of anything more a while ago. You might not be following through on that very well, but he doesn’t need to explain himself every time.

“Yes Dave, I get what you mean. I know you’re not human gay,” you tell him. You put the ‘human’ suffix in there because that always seems to amuse him and you don’t like when he gets all defensive about this shit. You might not understand it, but you do know that it’s important to him, so that’s all that matters at the end of the day. You want Dave to be comfortable with this friendship and he won’t be if you can’t accept this fact about him.

“No, I know you know that man, it’s cool. I mean, it’s not like its important because it doesn’t have shit to do with anything and ya know I should probably get out of your lap already,” he rambles before finally pushing himself up and out of your lap. Something awkward has settled over the two of you, and you don’t fucking like it but you don’t know what to do about it either.

You seem to know less and less about what you’re doing when it comes to Dave and you really fucking hate it. You also don’t care, because it’s just too nice hanging out with him for you to want to risk fucking up.

You still want to risk it though, because you always make the wrong choice.

“Dave?” you ask, because your talkflap likes to go without permission from your thinkpan sometimes, and by sometimes you mean a whole fucking lot of the time.

“Sup?” he asks back, sounding completely calm and not like he was just nervously rambling a few seconds ago.

“So I know you said more fucking times than I can even count that you ‘don’t swing that way’ or whatever the fuck,” god you need to stop talking.

“Uh…” Dave stutters, which does nothing to get you to stop talking.

“And you don’t even do quadrants so really it’s a fucking non-issue when you get right down to it,” you continue and Dave is looking very fucking worried and god damn it why isn’t he getting you to shut up already?

“But it’s just really fucked up and I don’t even think you realize how fucked up it is, you know? Like you can’t understand because you’re human and you so very much _don’t_ do this but that just makes it even worse because you don’t even know! And I’m a fucking asshole to keep it going and it’s just really bad and I should put a stop to it before shit goes too far, but noooo, what do I do instead? I just let you continue and act like everything’s hunky fucking dory when it’s not and-”

“Dude!” Dave snaps, knocking you out of whatever you were going on about and holy shit you had not realized just how worked up you got. Fuck. _Fuck,_ you’re tearing up. God damn you’re an asshole, why did you have to start on about this.

“What?” you ask, wishing you could ignore the strained way your voice sounds.

“Karkat, man just take a deep breath and say whatever it is you’re trying to say, because I couldn’t understand a fucking word of that,” Dave tells you and you just have to nod and listen to him because you’re so fucking pale for him. Of course you’ll listen when he tries to calm you down.

“I’m pale for you,” you blurt out. You don’t know if that’s where you were trying to go with this but you fucking regret it the second it leaves your mouth. “And I need to go,” you add on, jumping up from the couch and intending to sprint right out of the room and hide in your block for the rest of the trip. Just a sweep left, you could last that long if you tried.

Dave’s too fucking fast or you though, surprise surprise, and catches you by the wrist before you can get two fucking feet away from the couch.

“Let go of me!” you shout, trying to pull away and fuck you’re freaking out. Why did you do this? You were having such a good time, you had it so fucking good! Dave hates you now, he has to, there’s no way around it everyone _always_ hates you after you tell them how you feel.

“Dude, chill the fuck out for like five minutes, you’re fucking hyperventilating,” Dave says, and you didn’t notice that. You are breathing fast though, and you might be crying and just god fucking damn it you’re pathetic. What the fuck did you expect to accomplish here?

Even still, you try to calm down because Dave told you to. You take a few steadying breaths and move to wipe away the tears with the hand Dave isn’t holding onto. He must be afraid you’ll run off again or something, because he’s not letting go.

“Feel better now?” he asks after a moment, and you shake your head.

“Fuck no,” you tell him honestly because you don’t. You still ruined everything, even if Dave is being mature about it for now and doesn’t seem to hate your guts yet. He will in due time, they always do. You don’t know how you keep managing to fuck up so bad and never learn, but you do. It’s always ‘well there he goes again, Karkat Vantas fucking up another perfectly solid friendship because he can’t keep his emotions under control, what a pathetic sack of shit.’

“Karkat, just relax, it’s cool. I don’t know how you expected me to react or anything but it’s fine. Like the pale thing,” Dave says and you just shake your head again because he _doesn’t get it._ He never does.

“It’s not that simple okay? You just think of it as some fucking ‘bro shit’ or whatever the fuck but it’s more than that. I know you don’t take it seriously but I do and it’s really fucking bad that I keep acting pale with you when you don’t understand the severity of it all,” you tell him. He’s frowning at you now, actually seeming to think it over some.

“Wait, so that’s why you’re freaking out? Not that you think I’ll reject you or anything like that, but because we keep being all pale and shit and you think I wouldn’t be okay with it if I knew you were like, serious about it all?” he asks and you nod, because yeah that fucking sums it up pretty damn well.

“Dude, it’s fine. And I’m not just saying that because I don’t think it’s a big deal, okay? I know it’s like a serious a relationship to you as any human romance bullcrap, but like for real. If we’re really acting all pale and shit already and you feel that way then I don’t know, maybe we _should_ just do the whole moirail thing.”

That’s not how you expected this to go, not at fucking all. You don’t even understand it for a moment, and when you do manage to parse what he just said you’re half parts shocked and half parts pissed.

“We can be moirails if you want to,” Dave explains after a moment, and you hadn’t even noticed if you’d asked for clarification. Maybe you didn’t, and he could just see the confusion on your face. Whatever the reason is, that explanation tips you over into full anger and you don’t even try to stop the snarl that twists onto your face.

“No! It doesn’t fucking work that way! We can’t just go along with it because I want it. It’s a mutual fucking thing and it’s clearly not god damn mutual here so just forget I said anything! This was such a bad idea,” you snap at him, and god you feel like such an idiot. You don’t know what you were thinking, telling him this. How could you think it would ever end up in anything that wasn’t horrible for all of you?

“What? No, no man fuck I didn’t mean it like that. I know this is serious stuff for you, I just thought. I don’t know what I thought but it seemed like a good idea I mean it’s not like I _don’t_ like you, you know that right?” Dave rambles, and you don’t even know what to think anymore. He doesn’t seem like he’s trying to mock you or like this is a joke or anything like that where you could get rightfully pissed off at him. He seems unnervingly earnest and you don’t know how to react to that.

“Yeah, I mean, no, I don’t fucking know that, okay?” you really don’t. Dave is so confusing you have such a hard time wrapping your pan around it. “I have no idea what that means. You don’t not like me, but you don’t fucking like me either. I have no fucking idea what you mean and it’s driving me fucking insane because I _really like you_ and you can’t even reject me properly!” you snap, and fucking hell you’re close to crying again.

Dave is just staring at you, not saying a word as you try and bring yourself back from tears. You wipe hastily at your eyes when they won’t quite listen to you. 

“I…” he starts, but that doesn’t fucking say anything so you just stay silent, waiting for him to get something intelligent out of his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he finally manages, and it’s not quite what you wanted to hear, even though you have no idea exactly what that is.

“I didn’t. Fuck, I didn’t mean to upset you, or anything like that. I know it’s confusing, I know I’m…” he trails off again, and you don’t even know what he’s trying to say, but you’re fucking tired of it.

“Whatever Dave, just forget about it. About all of this,” you tell him, your voice a bit colder than you’ll feel comfortable with later on. “Let’s just stay friends, it’s fine,” you add, because even upset as you are, you know that’s something you want. Fucking need. You don’t know what you’d do if you lost the only friend you have left.

“But I-” he starts again, and you look at him, waiting for him to continue but instead he just seems to deflate some. “Yeah. Yeah okay, maybe that’s a good idea,” he says, and that’s _really_ not what you wanted to hear, but you nod none the less.

“I should probably go, get some sleep or something,” you mutter and this time Dave’s the one who’s nodding.

“Right, you were saying you were tired and shit,” he says. You forgot about that, about the nice comfort and cuddling that you’d been doing before all of this went down. Fuck, you doubt Dave’ll ever want to get that comfortable around you again. You can feel the tears starting to prick back at your eyes so you turn to leave the room before Dave can see.

“Uh-huh, later,” you manage out, before practically sprinting out of the block and you feel like such an idiot as the door closes behind you. Why did you have to go and fuck everything up? You had something good and now it’s gone and Dave’ll never want to treat you the same again.

You’re letting out small choked sobs by the time you get back to your own block, but thankfully no one saw you as you ran through the corridors.

You’re such a fucking idiot.

Dave will never forgive you.


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat is never going to fucking forgive you.

You just fucked up big time. You’ve been fucking up big time for who knows how long and you don’t know how to stop it. Every time you try to make it a bit better you just make it worse and he just ran off crying. He tried to hide it but it’s so fucking obvious, he’s such an open book, dude can’t hide anything from anyone.

And you just fucking brought him to tears and you feel like a complete piece of shit for it. You are a complete piece of shit. Karkat said it himself, you don’t make any goddamn sense. You just keep him trapped in this little limbo of nothing because that’s all you can make yourself be comfortable with but it’s not fucking _fair_ for him.

He deserves so much more than that and you’re absolute trash for putting him through this.

You collapse back down onto the couch, head in your hands and trying to think about what just happened. You just, you don’t know. Karkat was upset, and he said he was pale for you, and you know that’s a big deal. You’ve listened to his long winded rants and watched enough troll movies to know that moiraillegiance is a major thing to them. It’s not just super best buds or however you’ve described it in the past.

And you just. You thought being moirails would be cool. You really liked the idea, and Karkat said you both already acted like you were, so why _not_ make it official. All you managed was to piss off and confuse Karkat even more though, and now he’ll probably never fucking want anything to do with you in _any_ quadrant.

And that fucking hurts way more than it should. You should not want to be in a relationship with Karkat. You _don’t_ want to be in a relationship with Karkat. You don’t! You’re not. You swear, you’ve explained it to Karkat a million times, you _can’t_ be.

You feel like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal though. It shouldn’t be this hard! It should be easy, ‘whoa sorry man but I do not swing that way, appreciate the compliment though’ and that’s that. That’s not that though. You really fucking wish there was some way for it to work for the both of you.

If Karkat just wasn’t a boy everything would be so much easier! You could date him without any guilt or freaking out and it would be _right._

He is a boy though, and you still want to date him, and it still feels right.

And you can’t stop freaking out over that fact.

You have no idea what to do about it though, fuck you haven’t even let yourself admit it until now. You like Karkat. You fucking like him and you probably just screwed up any chance you had. You don’t notice at first that you’re shaking, but you are and god you don’t know what to do. You are so fucked up, how the hell did he even like you to begin with? Why did you have to only realize this after you screwed up?

You want to go talk to him, you always go to him when you end up freaked like this recently. Before you would just deal with it yourself, or not let yourself get to this point to begin with. Since you’ve started getting close with Karkat though you’ve managed to let your guard down some. He’s always there for you and he doesn’t judge you for the times when you freak, but he doesn’t coddle you about it either. He somehow always manages to know what you need and you couldn’t be more thankful for him.

And you just went and fucked with his emotions and sent him crying back to his room.

You can’t go to him now, not after that, and especially not about this. You don’t know what else to do though, because he’s all you fucking have. Sure, Rose is great, and you two help each other with shit, but not this kind of stuff. You don’t think she’d understand. She had no fucking problem diving headfirst into the alien gay. She’d just find your whole situation ‘interesting’ which is the last thing you need right now.

You aren’t sure how long you spend just sitting in that room, but eventually you start to hear other people coming down the hall and you fucking sprint. You aren’t in any mood to deal with anyone else right now, or even just to be seen. They’ll ask where Karkat is, because they _always_ do whenever they catch one of you without the other.

You guess that should have been a sign on just how close the two of you had gotten. You tried to pretend that was normal. That you were just best buds and it wasn’t like you had anything else to do on this rock, why not spend all your time together? It’s fun, and way better than the alternative.

Apparently the reason as to why not is surprise, some unexpected side effects may include but are not limited to, falling in love with your best friend, fucking your best friend over when you can’t make up your mind over how you feel, and denying said feelings for your best friend until the worst possible time.

You don’t pay any attention about where you’re heading until you realize you’re in the hallway where Karkat’s room is. Of course, like your traitorous fucking body would have put you anywhere else.

He’s probably asleep, he said he was tired at the start of all this. You should just fucking leave him be for once. You can't imagine he would want anything to do with you right now.

Despite telling yourself this, you still find yourself just staring at his door and wanting so fucking bad to knock and explain everything to him. You know it’s a bad idea, but you go and fucking knock at his door and waiting for an answer.

“Yeah?” fuck, oh fuck. His voice sounds all horsed and quiet, and just so unlike how he normally is. He’s been crying and the guilt crashes on top of you like a gale force wind and leaves you speechless for a moment. Who the fuck do you think you are to even come to him after doing that? Thankfully, or not you aren’t sure yet, you manage to get a hold of yourself enough to speak again after another moment.

“Can I come in?” you ask, and your own voice doesn’t sound quite right, and when you reach up to your face, yep, there are tears. You wipe them away fast before Karkat can open the door and see them, if he decides to let you in at all that is.

“Yeah, door’s not locked,” a sort of mumbled answer comes, and you slowly let yourself in. You don’t see Karkat at first, but that’s because he’s piled up so much junk on his bed that it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s troll and what’s not. Most of the trolls seem to have done that, liking to sleep on things that aren’t actually comfortable for some reason. From what you can see of him, he’s curled up facing away from you.

“Hey,” you say, and god you’re so fucking bad at this.

“Hey,” Karkat mutters back and yeah you need to be the one driving this conversation here. You’re the one who started it and came to his room and shit.

“I’m sorry,” you figure that’s a good place to start. You are so fucking sorry after all, it’s hard to explain. You just want to make him happy but you’re so fucking scared of shit that shouldn’t even matter anymore you get hung up and hurt him over and over again.

“It’s fine,” Karkat says and you shake your head even though he can’t see it.

“No, it’s really not fine man. Fuck, I didn’t mean to upset you, I swear. I’m just a piece of fucking shit sometimes and I don’t always understand what I’m doing and I just never wanted to hurt you.” God, hurting Karkat is the last thing you want. Doesn’t change the fact that that’s what you went and did though.

“I know you didn’t mean to, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed anyway, just forget about it,” he says, but that’s not right. He didn’t push, he just wanted a god damn answer instead of that yes but no bullshit you’ve been putting him through for six fucking months.

“I don’t want to forget about it,” you tell him. Okay, you just have to say it. Pull off the bandage, quick and painful and you can deal with the aftermath once it’s out in the open. “I don’t want… fuck,” you can feel yourself start to shake again, and you’re looking around like every shadow could hold a camera or someone lurking and you just can’t do this. It’s hard enough admitting it to yourself, but saying it out loud is something else entirely. It's fucking terrifying and you don't know how to handle it.

“Dave?” you hadn’t realized how shaken and huddled in on yourself you’d gotten until Karkat calls your name and knocks you out of it a bit. You can see him now, sitting up and looking at you, concern clear as day on his face. You reach up again and yep, there’s tears steadily streaming down your face. Fucking hell, you’re pathetic. You try to wipe them away but more keep coming and fuck fuck fuck.

“Dave? Dave! Holy shit it’s okay, shhh, it’s fine. I’m okay,” he’s saying as he quickly climbs out to his bed and over to you. You let him lead you back to where he’s got blankets and books and movies and pillows all jumbled up on his bed and sit you down. He keeps mumbling softly at you, nice little words of encouragement. Letting you know it’s okay, he’s fine, you don’t have to cry Dave please stop crying.

It’s nice when he wraps you up in a hug, and you just let yourself collapse into him and god you just want to tell him the truth. You can’t make yourself form any words at all though, let alone those words. So you just try and calm down and steady your breathing as he lightly runs his hand up and down your back and through your hair and it’s just so fucking nice. You should be the one comforting him, and yet you continue to be complete and utter shit to him and just take and take and _take._

Eventually you manage to stop crying on his shoulder and take several shaky but deep breaths. “Sorry,” you mutter against him, not yet ready to bring yourself to pull away. You just love being close to him so much, he’s so warm and it’s so unlike anything you’ve had before, you just can’t get enough of it.

“Shhh, it’s fine,” Karkat tells you, even though you know it’s not. He would never say that though, because he’s fucking perfect.

“I love you,” you mutter, and it’s so smothered and quiet you can barely understand yourself. Unintelligible is good, if no one can understand you then it’s almost like you didn’t say it. You want to say it though, you want to let him know but it’s just so fucking scary. It seems to catch Karkat’s attention, but you don’t think he can make out quite what you said.

“What was that?” Karkat asks, and you try and steel yourself to say it again. You can do this, just two little words. Once he knows it’ll be so much better, he can help you though it, it’ll be okay. You trust him, you just don’t trust the rest of the world and so the fear nearly manages to keep you from saying anything.

“Love you,” you repeat, just as quiet as before but pulling away from him just the littlest bit to keep it from being as muffled. He seems to understand this time because he freezes up, and you’re so fucking scared for a moment that it’s too late. That he wants nothing to fucking do with you and he was just comforting you to be polite.

“You mean that?” he asks after a few terrifying seconds, and he sounds so scared and hopeful and god you hope you aren’t misreading him. You force yourself to nod against him.

“Yeah,” you mutter, and you don’t know what to do now. He knows. He fucking knows and you said it and it’s real. While it was just in your head you could ignore it, pretend it wasn’t there or that it was just a fantasy that you got carried away in sometimes. That it was all well and good, but soon enough you could leave it behind. Find someone else and have something normal and just pretend like the whole thing never happened.

You said it though, and he knows and now it’s concrete and real and you can’t ignore it without cutting out Karkat and at this point that would be like cutting out your own heart. You can’t and you’re so scared and you can still lose him. He could still want nothing to do with you.

“Love you too.”

Those words hit you like a kick in the chest, and you can’t even tell if it’s good or bad. Good, has to be good. Your grip on him tightens and there’s a smile forming on your face without your permission so it must be good. So fucking good, goddamn great even.

“Really?” you ask, partly to make sure, partly because you just want to hear it confirmed.

“Yeah, really,” he says and you can’t believe it. You know you need more than that, that it’s not just that simple for trolls. You don’t even care how his love is exactly though, pale most likely is fine, because it’s still there and it’s all just as important and means he wants this just as much as you do.

You’re still terrified but not of anything he might do anymore, and you can handle the fear now because Karkat is on your side again. You can handle so much more with him by you, it’s incredible.

You aren’t sure how long you spend just sort of sitting there, leaning against him and hugging him, but you could do this forever. Even still, eventually he starts to pull away from you a bit, and you guess you shouldn’t hug forever. At least not before talking about shit.

“Hey,” you say, because you have no fucking idea what else to say. Apparently that was the right thing though, because Karkat’s smiling and god you fucking love his smile. He doesn’t smile nearly enough, you’ve been trying to change that and now you can admit as to why, at least to yourself.

“Hey yourself.” He says back, and god he’s so fucking sweet. He’s sweet and perfect and you might still be freaking out a bit but you’re also happy as fuck, so it’s cool. Probably.

“How is this gonna work?” you blurt out, and maybe you should have waited a bit longer but you can’t help it you’re curious. You think you understand quadrants, and you’re cool with pale, more than cool with it, you just want to be sure that that’s what Karkat really wants.

“I’m not sure,” Karkat says, and you guess that’s fair. You aren’t too sure how this is going to work either, which is why you asked.

“I really am cool with pale, if that’s what you want,” you tell him. Sure you don’t completely understand quadrants, but you’re willing to try and figure them out for him. You’re pretty sure you got a firm grasp on moirailigence anyway, so it wouldn’t be that hard.

“Pale would be nice,” Karkat admits, leaning forward so that he’s got his chin hooked on your shoulder and damn it’s nice having him so close. You can’t even process it, it’s just amazing. “But, um,” he says, and you’re kind of worried. You thought maybe you managed to save it and that you hadn’t fucked everything up, but maybe you still did.

“But?” you ask, scared of the answer. He hasn’t pulled away from you or anything yet though, so you try to keep from freaking out too much.

“I don’t know, it’s stupid,” he mutters, which means that it’s very fucking important because that’s how Karkat is. Anything about something he wants or needs is stupid and he’s always trying to push it aside.

“If you don’t want to date or anything it’s cool,” you force yourself to say, because wow are there several different reasons why that’s difficult as fuck for you to get out. Admitting that dating is a thing you want and simultaneously letting him know that yeah it’s okay if he’s not into that and just wants to be friends still. You manage to say it though, and you can’t help the relief that floods through you when Karkat shakes his head.

“No, no it’s not that. I’m just, I don’t know, not sure if pale is how I want to go with it, entirely. I mean, god it’s stupid, I’m pale for you. Like I didn’t already make that obvious enough. I just also sometimes feel red for you or pitch or fucking I don’t even know what,” he says, and you relax considerably at that. That is definitely not as bad as you thought it would be, him liking you too much is something you can deal with.

“So you vacillate a lot? That’s cool, we can do that,” you tell him, because yeah you definitely don’t mind any of those things. Karkat shakes his head though and you’re confused again.

“It’s not vacillation, if it was I could fucking understand it. It’s not common but it’s still not as freaky as this. I just, I don’t know, I’m everything. At the same fucking time. It’s fucked up and I know you probably don’t care about that because you’re human but that’s not how trolls _work,”_ he says. You’re quiet for a moment as you think that over, because it sounds a whole fucking lot like some of your thought processes from just a few moments ago. You pull back from him so that you can look at his face and it’s clear as day just how torn up he is about what he just told you.

“Like how you don’t care about the whole gender thing because you’re a troll but I couldn’t stop flipping my shit over it?” you ask, seeming to take Karkat by surprise. He nods slowly after a moment though.

“Yeah, a lot like that,” he says quietly after a moment. You almost need to laugh at this because goddamn you’re just a pair of fucking idiots aren’t you?

“Man, _fuck_ our old civilizations conventions on romance and shit, let’s just be all kinds of alien space gay,” you say, because you can never stay serious for long. Thankfully instead of getting pissed off at you Karkat just laughs and goddamn is his laugh amazing.

“Yeah okay, that actually sounds pretty great,” he says with a smile and just wow. Have you mentioned you love his smile? It’s like, five hundred different kinds of awesome, bare minimum. 

You’re still freaking out just the slightest bit about all of this. You might still be shaking and you’re pretty sure you stopped crying a while ago but you aren’t entirely positive about that. Karkat doesn’t make any mention of it though and instead just shifts the both of you so that you’re laying snuggled up in his bed and he’s got you wrapped up in a hug and god how the fuck does he always know what you need? It’s some kind of magic or shit, you don’t understand it but damn do you love it.

“Uh, just so you know, it might take me a while until I actually managed to get used to this and junk,” you tell him, because he deserves that warning.

“Do you not want this? It’s okay if you don’t we can do something else,” Karkat says, sounding a little panicked and moving like he’s gonna shift away from you. Before he can you wrap your arms around him to keep him with you.

“No, no man it’s not like that. I like this a lot,” you tell him because it’s true. “Just not used to it is all, definitely want it though, don’t worry,” you say and you can feel the way Karkat just relaxes against you at that. God you don’t know what you’re doing but you just love him so much.

“Oh okay, that’s fine then,” he says, starting to run his fingers along your back again. It's nice. Everything about this is just really fucking nice, and you don't know quite how to process it. 

Processing can come later though you guess. Figuring out everyone about what you are now and trying to keep yourself from freaking out again can come later. 

Right now you just want to stay with Karkat and relax and just breathe for a second, so that's what you're doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I found this fic when I was looking through my last camp nano. It's totally lame and stereotypical but I figured might as well just post it up here.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


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